I remember it like it was yesterday. My legs had been sawn off by Darren McCloud, who was trying to recreate the leg lamp he owned in A Christmas Story with real human legs.
"Doesn't Darren McCloud realize that crusty reporter Carl Kolchak was his signature role?" I sighed to myself, "There are lots of kooky dads out there, but only one reporter who can keep us safe from moss monsters and headless bikers."
After sewing up my wounds and taking my daily dose of opium, I hit up my Rolodex so that I might find someone who could cart me about in a rickshaw. I would normally ask my mightiest friend Ross, but he lives in Hoboken and has been awfully busy ever since he became the herald of Galactus. So I called my friend Bob.
"Bob, " I said "Darren McCloud's cut off my legs again. I'm going to need you on rickshaw duty, stat."
"Sorry, I'm kind of busy at work," he said.
"Ok, let me sweeten the deal. I've got a leather Pony Girl outfit here, and it's just your size. You can wear it while pulling me around."
"Sorry, I can't. How about you write descriptions for items for the new Newgrounds store instead? You know, since you're not going to be going anywhere for a while."
So I did. My legs grew back eventually, and now my descriptions are up. I even reconciled with Daren McCloud before he died. So everything has worked out pretty well.